Birtherism—that time when we learned you could just make stuff up, say it enough times, and suddenly that makes you president.
Now we experience Birtherism at least 16 times a day.
Meanwhile, the Democrats stand there perplexed, armed with facts and feelings like they’re bringing spreadsheets to a WWE match.
And the Republicans? They’ve gone full “House Rules Uno,” where the rules change mid-game, and somehow they always end up winning.
And the worst part? They play it with the “win at all costs” mentality of that one guy in Monopoly who flips the board when things don’t go his way.
So here’s my pitch: Me and Claude 2028. Why not? We’ve already tried everything else.
If Elected: No More Political Hunger Games
We won’t treat every issue like it’s college football. We’re all humans and neighbors, not enemies.
(Though some schools—cough Oklahoma cough—do, in fact, suck.)
If Elected: AI-Assisted Common Sense
Before I sign anything, Claude reviews and improves it first. No more signing executive orders like they’re Terms & Conditions none of us reads.
Maybe, just maybe, we could have policies based on logic instead of vibes, entertainment, and whatever gets the most rage clicks on X.
If Elected: Bills Must Fit on One Page
This one is serious. I’ll veto any bill longer than a page. Congress needs to learn to be concise. If you can’t explain your law in one page, you probably don’t understand it yourself—and neither will the rest of us.
And maybe this will force ’em to do some real work other than the political theater of committee hearings.
If Elected: Remote Work for Government
The federal government could save a fortune on buildings, maintenance, electricity, and covfefe—er, coffee. Plus, we could hire talented people from across the country instead of just those willing to brave DC traffic.
If Elected: Actual Liberty, Not the Fake Kind
Not the “freedom for me but not for thee” version we’ve gotten used to.
If something doesn’t affect you personally (like someone’s pronouns or skin color), here’s a novel approach: mind your own business.
As I tell my kids: If you ain’t bleeding, I don’t wanna hear you complain about it.
If Elected: No More Political Ads
Each candidate for any office will get a website and a video livestream channel powered by C-SPAN. That’s it. No more attack ads while we’re just trying to watch the game or scroll through power washing videos in peace.
I’m convinced we can put a dent in combating global warming just by turning off political emails, text messages, and snail mail.
If Elected: Campaign Finance Gets a Reality Check
No more donations needed when there aren’t any ads to buy.
Each presidential candidate gets ten government-provided staffers to handle logistics and work on their campaign. Senators get five, House members get three. Like a public defender, but for democracy. And a modest travel budget.
Non-profit organizations can host candidates at live rallies and events.
The election cycle, from declaring a candidacy to primaries to the final election, should be no more than 4 months. We all have more important things to do.
If Elected: No More Assault-Style Rifles
We’re done with thoughts and prayers.
If you’re thinking of selling, buying, or being in public with weapons designed for war or their ammo, hope you look good in orange jumpsuits.
Hunting rifles? Fine.
Handguns for personal protection? If you feel you really need it.
If Elected: A Flat Tax
No more complicated tax forms. No more loopholes. No more billionaires paying less than teachers.
Flat tax on all income, low rate. Everyone pays, no exceptions.
Tax season will no longer be a thing, and the IRS can shrink to a chatbot instead of an entire industry.
If Elected: Medicare for All.
Saving the best for last. A single-payer health-care system. The private sector can provide supplemental policies, fine.
Americans shouldn’t have to launch GoFundMe campaigns just to stay alive.
Obama really should have made this happen. Claude and I will get it done.
On Second Thought…
I hear the White House is drafty, and DC winters are brutal.
With a few custom instructions that include the text of the Constitution, Claude can handle it solo.
At least the AI overlords can’t gerrymander.
Claude 2028!
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